It's Been Four Years

It has been four years since my husband shot himself in the heart. It seems like only yesterday I was making his funeral arrangements and trying to make sense of everything. And yes, I still miss him and find it hard to accept I will never see him again. Maybe in the life after this I will but who knows. All I know is that he is absent from this one when he shouldn’t have been. He was needed here.

You know who it hurts the most though? My daughter.

When I was growing up I was really close to my dad. He was everything to me and I went everywhere with him. They use to call me his little shadow because wherever he was, his shadow was right behind him. I miss him too, terribly so, and I can’t imagine how my daughter feels without her father.

I lost my Dad, mentally, when I was nineteen. He had a grand mal stroke and afterwards just wasn’t my Dad anymore. When he ceased to be able to function on his own it was like someone had cut out my heart. I liken the event to the sinking of the Titanic because that’s what he was. A giant of a man that I thought was invincible. He had his stroke in 1988. He lived until Dec. 15 of 2005. That was almost twenty years. Twenty years of crying, regret, and missing him even though he was only a few miles away at my brother’s house (my brother took care of him all those years). The day his body died, I just fell apart all over again. I thought that after twenty years of missing him and grieving over his absence, I wouldn’t have any more tears to shed. But I did. It seems I cried a million tears that day and a million more after.

You know what the funny thing is? Everyone kept telling me that I should be thankful that he lived so long afterwards. Are they kidding? If that pathetic half state of being sick, incoherent, and totally dependent on someone else, was a good thing, well Hell, paralyze me now and throw me in a bed! I mean, that’s what it was for him. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Sickness took my father from me. Sickness took my baby doll’s Daddy from her.

When she speaks to me of him, and she rarely does, I try to let her know that he loved her. I don’t know if telling her that matters but I don’t know what else to say. I mean, he did love her, just not his life. That is why he ended it. But it still hurts. She still longs for a father. And I just can’t give her one.

I hate dating. I hate trying to find something that works. There are just so many weirdo’s out there disguised as your everyday average Joe. But they’re not. Baby rapers, women beaters, drug addicts, alcoholics, and just plain lazy bums that think the world owes them a living and you should be the one supporting them; that is what the majority are. And being older doesn’t help. I am not that old really. Thirty-eight. I’m still attractive. I do get asked out quite a bit and propositioned more often then I want. But it’s just not that easy. If I were alone it would be different. But with a young child, a pretty, attractive, looks like she’s fifteen when she’s actually eleven, child, I have to be more cautious.

So, no new Daddy for my baby. She will just have to be happy with my brother. He tries hard to be a surrogate father for her. He is such a wonderful man. He is kind, generous, considerate, intelligent, wise, and understanding. Sometimes where I fail to be patient, he reminds me by his actions that my daughter is deserving of my understanding. I don’t know what I would do without him. I love him dearly.

Well, I’ve cried in my orange juice enough for one morning. It has been a tough week so far and this isn’t helping things. Not only did Gary shoot himself with my handgun, but he shot himself on our 12th wedding anniversary.

Today would have been 16 years of marriage.

Now it’s just four years of loss.


In loving memory:

Gary Wayne Van Zandt
Born Unto Us: March 10, 1963
Left Us too Soon: March 7, 2003


Brickyard Road Lyrics by The Johnny Van Zant Band (and yes he's distantly related)

Doesn't seem that long ago
Three of us walkin' down that road
Grey '55 Chevy parked in the front yard
Little Melody tagged along
Those were the best days now they're gone
Oh it's been twelve years since it went down
Lord, lost my best friend now
I can still see him fishin' on that old dock
I know I can't bring back yesterday
But oh Lord can't you help me find my way
Down to brickyard road
Oh, walk on down
Down to brickyard road
He's with me now
Swore I saw a Free Bird fly
Ridin' the winds of a Southern sky
When I hear that whistle blow
It carries me back
To brickyard road
Brother, do you realize what you've done?
Touched the hearts of everyone
You might've died too young
But your songs live on
I know I can't bring back yesterday
But we'll be all together again some day
Down on brickyard road
Oh, walk on down
Down to brickyard road He's with me now
Swore I saw a Free Bird fly
Ridin' the winds of a Southern sky
When I hear that whistle blow
It carries me back
To brickyard road
I can see him standin' on the dock
His old chevy out in the front yard
Walk on down, walk on down
Momma and Daddy's doin' all right
I saw Melody last Saturday night
She's all grown up, she's such a pretty girl
Things just ain't the same since you left our world
Oh, brickyard road
Hear me now
I can see him, down on brickyard road
Swore I saw a Free Bird fly
Ridin' the winds of a Southern sky
And when I hear that whistle blow
It carries me back
To brickyard road
Oh, brickyard road
Oh, brickyard road
Wanna go back
To brickyard road